it's how you spin it

Even though I woke up this morning to Phil telling me that Fish had shit and pissed all over the floor instead of in her new toilet training litter box, today is going to be a good day. I've somehow managed to clean all of that up, take a shower, do some chores, and now I'm eating a totally awesome breakfast of oatmeal and coffee.

Phil leaves tomorrow but I'm in a much better place this week to handle it. I'm super sad, and even though I'm trying really hard not to, I will probably cry. It's only 3 weeks, and once I look back on this, I'll feel so silly for even worrying about it. I'm even beginning to feel that way now. I knew that dating a super cool dude in the navy would really suck sometimes... but he's just so awesome I'm willing to put up with it. Not to mention, 3 weeks is nothing. NOTHING. Just a wee little vacation almost.

Thing usually start to fall into perspective when I stop thinking so selfishly. Thousands or more people go without seeing their significant other due to work ALL THE TIME. I am totally not alone with what I'm feeling. Even the fact that I'm in a new city where I have no job or friends or family. There are so many people who deal with this and they are totally fine. And I'm going to be fine.

Put out into the universe positive thoughts and intentions, and it will return it ten fold. Just don't be afraid to take what the universe gives you: good or bad.

tired: again

I move through waves of depression and elation. I get motivated to try new things and work hard and then I feel a tug on my sleeve and there's a little demon next to me. He says: "Psst... Hey, you can't do that. Too many people are already successful at that. You aren't as good as they are. Go back to doing nothing, you don't have anything to lose then." And today I listened. And today I almost cried at Starbucks while trying to open an Etsy store. My second Etsy store, because the first one failed because I listened to the demon then, too. I kept trying to tell it to shut up... I am a good designer and a strong person and I have many a hardship currently and ahead of me too, but it doesn't mean I can't do this.

I'm totally unemployed except for some freelance work that is proving to be extremely unreliable when, at the beginning, seemed to be something I could count on for cash. Why leave the house?

I'm totally alone in a new city, 3000 miles away from my family and friends. My boyfriend is leaving in a week for a training exercise and he'll be gone for a month. Today it hit me how hard it will be while he's gone. For the past few days, I kept thinking about that month, knowing it would be hard but also knowing I could handle it. Today, the demon tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are utterly alone. You've never done this before. You can't handle this by yourself. Do you realize how long a MONTH is? 4 weeks! 33 days! You have to be ALONE for that long. At 4 when he's supposed to come home, he won't. You'll sleep ALONE in your bed. There will be NO ONE to kill spiders."

Today was a total failure on the mental health front.
I hope tomorrow will be better.

tired

I'm really tired of:

• starting things and not finishing them
• bouts of crippling self doubt
• anxiety
• overthinking
• being unemployed
• feeling overwhelmed


Ugh. Whatever.

basically, #sorrynotsorry

I felt like I needed to get this out on something a little more solid than just thoughts running through my head. Last week, I was called "basic" by someone I barely know, and for some reason it really got to me. Despite the fact that I don't care about this person or how they think about me, I couldn't help but obsess over what a misogynistic comment it was. More importantly, all that thinking lead to overthinking, overanalyzing and otherwise giving this way too much of my head space. Where I ended up, however, is here confronting the difficulty I have NOT caring what people think about me. To my credit, I have gotten admirably better than I was in previous years, but I still struggle with it. Therefore, this is a list I will continue to update about things I am not sorry about:

— liking all things pumpkin
— loving cats
— listening to Coheed & Cambria
— calling myself a feminist
— not going out every Friday/Saturday night
— reading for fun
— dying my hair crazy colors
— having tattoos (and getting more)
— not eating much meat/dabbling in veganism
— liking vegetables
— liking tofu
— not being sure if I'm deist, agnostic or atheist
— liking college football
— leaving work on time if I'm done
— taking adequate work breaks
— my sense of style
— not shaving my vag pornstar-pre-pubescent-bald (TMI? not sorry)
— wearing leggings as pants
— not liking babies
— being chubby
— having cellulite
— not liking avocado
— posting regularly on pinterest/tumblr/facebook/instagram
— hashtagging my posts for likes/interaction/follows
— requiring payment for freelance design
— being angry when I feel it
— being sad when I feel it
— liking true crime TV shows
— liking paranormal TV shows
— laughing at farts and butts and poop
— my past
— cursing
— wanting a promotion
— being white
— being a woman
— getting rid of toxic friends
— having ultimate goals that differ from getting married and having kids

What are you not sorry about? What are you tired of apologizing for, whether inward to yourself or outward to others? If I feasibly could, I would tattoo this list on me somewhere so I could read it everyday. It's going to be a real feat for me to stop caring what other people think, but I'll slowly get there, goddamnit.

choices

Trigger Warning: Depression.

I got into a discussion today with a coworker about happiness. My argument was that, for the most part, happiness is a choice. Since I personally still deal with depression, I know first-hand what it's like to be sad without any explanation. However, making the choice recently to be happy no matter my circumstance is something that is helping me immensely. Listening to the reasons my coworker had to feel sad and/or angry felt like I was arguing with a past version of myself. It made me appreciate even more how far I've come in just a few months of deciding to look at things from a different angle.

I told my coworker that while the reasons she had for feeling frustrated and fed up were definitely valid, they didn't have to take over her mental well-being. You can dwell on little things and drive yourself crazy, or you can appreciate the position you're in for all it's worth.

Most people have the tendency to maximize the negative when, honestly, it takes a lot more energy to stress and worry about things that we a) have no control over or b) aren't really a big deal anyway. It's difficult at first to practice actively letting things go and truly living in the present, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the better you feel.

Where ever you are in life right now, it's temporary. There's nothing wrong with being thankful and loving where you are right now, even if it's not where you want to be. I'm not advising that anyone should succumb to complacency; never give up chasing whatever it is you want in life, but enjoy the journey. You're alive and honestly that in and of itself is awesome.

Basically, instead of getting frustrated or angry over little bad things, use that energy to get excited and happy about little good things. I got excited at work today because they stocked the freezer with frozen goodies, including mini cups of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough, which I thoroughly enjoyed after my lunch. I also wanted so bad to complain about a frustrating and confusing job I worked on today, but instead I let it go. I did my job and let it go because doing anything else wouldn't have done any good.

I don't know if I got through to my coworker today; I doubt it, but making the choice to be happy can only be made by you. Keep in mind that there really is nothing stopping you from thinking positively as much as you'd like to think. And I promise, it really does make a difference in the quality of everyday life.

why don't you love me

I've been experiencing a lot of things since I quit using alcohol as a crutch. Most notably every emotion at a intensity I am only now (about 2 months in) beginning to adjust to. There's just one that seems to plague my consciousness at any given time of the day: love.

The thing about love is, you don't need it... but oh my god do we all want it so bad. I do have love, don't get me wrong. My family loves me, my friends love me and despite what she says, my cat loves me, too. But that kind of love is something that comes as a given. You don't have to hear it everyday to know it's there. So what is it about a romantic type of love that warrants so much proof?

Your family raised you; spent money on your upbringing: food, education, shelter. You know they love you. My parents tell me all the time they love me, but they don't have to. I know.

My friends are there for me when I'm freaking out about something stupid that I've made up in my head and they're there for me when I have a stupid tumblr post to share. They listen to me bitch about coworkers and love interests and frequent anxiety attacks and they don't have to. But they do because they love me and they don't have to tell me. I know.

So why is that not enough validation? Why do I feel this deep bottomless void in what I believe is an area of love? Why does romantic love fill a different space in my life that nothing else can fill? I mean, maybe I'm just horny but in all of my 27 years I've never considered myself to be that thirsty. I'm at a point in my life where, as a friend put it, my "clock is ticking." And while I iterated that kids are not priority of mine, he explained that getting married can count as a reason to feel that pressure.

And maybe it is the multitude of facebook marriages and babies that has me thinking about it all the time, but I don't think that's the sole catalyst.

It'll happen when it happens and I wish I could just chill out about it. I'm willing to wait as long as I have to if that means never having to get divorced. I really want to find my penguin and live happily ever after. Maybe to some that seems impossible these days, but my parents have been together for almost 40 years and that's what I want.

You can live without love. There is nothing wrong with being yourself by yourself. Not "alone" because you're not alone. It may feel that way because there's no one in your bed at night, but that's not what makes you lonely. Loneliness, I believe, is caused by being uncomfortable with yourself when there's no one else around to validate your existence. You exist and you're perfect. Everything else will fall into place.

allow me to reintroduce myself

I deleted my posts from 2013 not because of embarrassment or a desire to forget that particular year (though it was a bad one), but because I was starting to go in a direction that I no longer wanted for this, my little corner of the internet. So with that being said, hello 2014.

Agchk!

Ugh. I never seem to be able to finish anything! Well... that's not entirely true. I just never seem to finish things I want to do... I have no problem finishing things I have to do like work, chores, and school (I graduated, right?). I find it so odd that I would waste all of my energy into things that don't bring me a sense of pride and happiness. I think it's because I have such a strong desire to please others and not disappoint anyone I'm close to that I first make sure that's not going to happen and by the time I have the chance to do something for myself I figure "what's the use?" Doing chores pleases me in the end because I love having a clean living space. But that only lasts so long and I have nothing to show for it unless I have people over, which is NEVER. I'm not really happy in the place I currently live, but I'm taking the opportunity given to Ben and me by my parents to live in this house for very cheap while we figure things out. Beggars can't be choosers, right?

I just don't know how to go about choosing what I want to do for the rest of my life and then how to attain it. Or even to just do stuff and stop worrying about it. After I found out that Hyperpole and a Half was back, I went over and read her first post and it describes me to the T. If you battle with depression, or think you might have it, or know someone who's clinically depressed, read this post. I perfectly describes what someone goes through.

new approach

Already? It's only a week into this "new" plan and it's already failing. We did go to the gym last night which was good, and I stayed in my calorie limit, which is good... but today I was faced with my ultimate challenge: eating out... I didn't fail per say, but I did let the event spark a downward spiral into failing. I ordered a veggie thin crust pizza at the place we went to eat, only had 3 slices and a glass of water... even resisted the urge to spring for a cupcake at my favorite cupcake place in Ocean Springs while we were there. But then, we got home, I had 2 more slices of pizza, then went to a coffee shop to meet someone for a craigslist trade where I drank a medium iced vanilla hazelnut soy latte, and then I brought up the idea to go see Iron Man 3... where I basically ate an entire bag of popcorn, with butter, and my share of a large Dr. Pepper. I also just finished 2 more slices of pizza! Agchk!

So here's the deal: I'm really tired of failing. I need something that can work for me in such a way that I can incorporate it into my daily schedule. I can't count calories my entire life. I've been researching and getting inspired by clean eating, which is the easiest of all "diets" because it's not a diet... it's what we're naturally supposed to be eating. No processed junk, mostly home-cooked meals, and little splurges here and there (natural onces, of course). I love cooking so there's that. And I'm already used to not eating most processed junk; I pop my own popcorn, sodas (diet or not) are a rare treat, I scrutinize labels, and I've never really been into packaged chips and the like.

I feel like if I could just get a routine down I'd be good to go. We went to the gym last night and that worked out just fine... I felt better knowing I had no obligations once we finished (having to make sure I'm home in time to eat, shower, and dress before work gives me an anxiety that reflects in my workouts). I did have a little trouble falling asleep, but with my schedule, sleeping-in isn't an issue. We're obviously not going tonight since it's 10:45 and Ben's deep into an online game with his brother and I'm here typing this still in a movie-hangover (you ever have that? Where you just sat through a 2 hour movie and you're still stuck feeling like Robert Downey Jr. really is out there saving the world as Iron Man?).

I want to eat clean. I want to stop counting calories. I want to break this cycle.
But I think I'm afraid of success... Which is like the stupidest thing to be afraid of.

new beginnings

I want to take this blog into a different direction. I still want to do outfit posts, but since I could use a therapeutic and creative outlet, I'm going to also focus on being healthier and happier. So I'm going to use this blog to document my path to happiness and contentment. Hopefully it can be a reminder of where I came from and the struggle it took to get there. I started a new approach to some things at the first of the month, so it would've been ideal to refresh my blog then, but 5 days in is still pretty good. I've made out some goals for May, but they really apply to my life from now on.

MAY GOALS:
1. lose 7 lbs (already down 1!)
2. buy no clothes (already failed that one!)
3. do more freelance
4. get serious about clean eating/meal plans/meal prep
5. be more responsible about daily chores
6. no eating out unless it's healthy (already failed that one too!)
7. gym 5 days/week (went 4 last week)
8. only pay for things with cash/debit, no credit (failed that too)
9. only clear alcohol/wine, sparingly
10. read The Great Gatsby again before seeing the movie
11. brush n' floss regularly! (failed so far)
12. bring lunch to work
13. get to bed by 11pm
14. plant my garden
15. keep track of bills
16. sell clothes & things on eBay

That's a pretty big list... but then again, some of those things are permanent changes I want to make. I also think I'll start blogging just about every day with a recap of what I ate, and how I felt... that should help keep me accountable. Starting with ugh... today I guess. I'm trying to hit about 1360 calories a day. I'm using My Fitness Pal to track my calorie intake, etc. and if you want to follow me my profile can be found here.

Breakfast — 338
Instant oatmeal with a tbsp of Bee's Knees Peanut Butter & Co. peanut butter, half a banana, and a cup of coffee with 6 tbsp of Silk soy creamer.

Lunch — 180
Muscle Milk peanut butter protein powder mixed with half a cup of Silk light soy milk and 3/4 cup of water

Dinner — 800
2 slices of leftover Papa John's pizza with onions, bell peppers, mushrooms and pepperoni and half an order of fries from Ruby Tuesday that my mom dropped off for me (I just can't say no to free french fries)

Total: 1318

Not bad for eating pizza AND french fries in one day... I might have a glass of wine later which would bring me up to 1418 but we'll see. I'm going to start including pictures/recipes of what I eat too.

it's the little things

The absence of a full-time job and never-changing schedule has left me with an inability to develop any routine. I guess it's one of the perks of having a full-time job, but it's nothing to make me want to go back to one. I feel much more in control of what's going on in my life because I feel like I have more time to do things that I want to do, instead of having to fit it around a job where someone else determines when you have time to live your own life.

I still worry about money, and having enough to pay bills, but it's beginning to look like I'll be okay. I don't get to live as lavishly as before, but it's okay. I really need to learn to appreciate what I've got and quit lusting after a life I can't afford. Besides, I really have nothing to complain about.

I have started freelancing though! I keep procrastinating on redesigning my website because I fear the coding it will take. I know it won't be that bad once I start, but nothing is more intimidating than a blank page.

shirt: forever 21
skirt/cardigan: LOFT
shoes: urban outfitters

black dress

I love this dress I got from Target a week or so ago. I'm a sucker for simple black dresses though because the possibilities are endless and it's a cinch to throw it on with some jewelry and a cardigan if I just can't think of anything else to wear or I'm running short on time. This dress will definitely be a staple for summer. And can we talk about this bracelet? I'm in LOVE with it. It's so different than any other piece of jewelry I own and I'm really excited to incorporate it into more outfits! Just wearing it makes me feel fancy.

dress, belt, cardigan: target
broques: modcloth
bracelet: LOFT
heart necklace: etsy
cluster necklace: forever 21
vintage ring: antique store

working on my style

One thing I do love about my new job at LOFT is that it challenges me to come up with interesting-LOFT-inspired outfits everyday! Since I'm still new and haven't yet bought enough to wear what they sell, it's been even more challenging since I have to reinvent my existing wardrobe. Not to mention I'm really trying to avoid spending money that I don't need to spend... it's not going so well. A good thing is that my wardrobe is slowly expanding to include pieces that are much better quality and hopefully ones that I'll hang on to for a few years to come. I still have LOFT pieces from 3-4 years ago that I love. It's all for good, right?

top, shoes, skull bracelet:urban outfitters
skirt:target
gold/black bracelet:etsy
necklace: lotus boutique

new new new!

My first fashion post of 2013! So what, it's already 4 months in but better late than never, yea? I don't really know what I'm doing with my life right now. And the fact that I have no solid future plans is scary to me... so I just try not to think about it. I'm working part-time now and I still don't know how I feel about it. But when I think "Would you rather be back at your desk at your old job?" I respond to myself with a resounding "HELL NO." Then again, I can't imagine myself working retail for very long either.

What does that mean? Why don't you just change something if you don't like it?

I'm trying. At least, I think I am. It's just that I really don't know what I want to do. I love doing graphic design... but I really hated 9-5 every. damn. day. The monotony was slowly killing me and I could feel it. So freelance then, right? Maybe that's where I need to go. Building up a client base will be the hardest and most important thing I need to do, and I'm working on that. Slowly, but surely. But I honestly wouldn't mind going back to a 9-5 if it catered more to me as a creative individual, hindered by a lack of windows or the inability to surf the net unmonitored every so often.

I know I'll figure it out. It's just the when that I don't know. And that's okay. I'm learning to be okay with that.


ring/shirt/tights: forever 21
skirt/belt: target
shoes: urban outfitters
lipstick: fuchsia fusion from revlon

pendleton plaid

I had a really good day at work today. I finally feel so much better about all the crap that was going on before. So with that and the fact that I felt like I looked pretty cute today, I'd say this Wednesday was a success! Chris and I had some pizza for dinner and that was just the cherry on top (I really love pizza...). Anyway. Here's to the rest of the week being just as sucessful! Happy hump day!

Pendleton coat: thrifted
dress: thrifted via buffalo exchange
tights: tj maxx
shoes: target
necklace: gift from Chris via iluxo on etsy
ring: vividot via fab.com

the helm: restoration

I haven't been very good at blogging 3 times a week, but at least I'm still clocking in at once a week! I really don't have an excuse except for the fact that I've been feeling a little fat and blah lately, and so I don't feel like have my picture taken. And honestly, I haven't had much going on to blog about! Except for my first ever art show this past Friday! So that's kind of a big deal.






(In case you're wondering, that's me! So not only did I have work in the show, I was also a model of sorts!)



(That's my friend/coworker, Jerika, and some of her friends, all modeling more of her gorgeous hats!)


(Doing our "serious artist" face)



(Posing in front of my photos! They were all taken & edited with my iPhone!)


(Me with my fellow-photog-friend, Alan)


(Me and my BFF-artist-in-crime, Riley. He was the one who put the WHOLE thing together! And he also did the portrait of me from above. There were portraits of each artist in the show that lined the walls, all connected with quotes of inspiration and yarn! So creative)


(My friend, Cynthia. She was a huge help to Riley putting The Helm together. She's also an awesome photographer!)


(Christopher! ♥ he was such a good holder-of-things-that-wouldn't-fit-in-my-pockets-b/c-I-refused-to-carry-my-purse and a good photo-taker and all-around good sport for the night!)



(the beautiful, Michelle, another BFF)





(We then went to the Alabama Music Box after we ate dinner @ Hopjack's, and watched Givers play!)





All-in-all, it was a really great night. I hung out with a lot of people that I don't get to see very often, and it felt really good to see everyone come and support me and the other artists in the show. I get really lonely over here where my only friends are coworkers and Chris. And even then, Jerika is really the only one I feel like I can really count on for friendship at the moment. None of my other coworkers came to my show! Even though they told me they would... I feel let down because it seems like something that meant so much to me didn't mean anything to them, but I know I shouldn't put that much thought into it. It hurts but it just goes to show that your true friends show up for you when you need them most, and the others can't be called more that close acquaintances. It's so frustrating sometimes to think that you're making head-way with new friends only to be let down. I just want to make some more friends that I can count on! But I still can't forget the friends that DID show up, and for that, I couldn't be more grateful.

Anyway, I wish I'd taken some more outfit shots, but really, you're only missing the shoes. Wait, the shoes are almost always the most important part! So for that, I'm sorry you're missing the shoes, because trust, they are FINE. And quite possibly my new favs. I'll make it up to you this week I swear!

♥


top: urban outfitters
skirt/shoes: target
necklace: gift from Chris
tights: tj maxx
coat/ring: forever 21