tired

I'm really tired of:

• starting things and not finishing them
• bouts of crippling self doubt
• anxiety
• overthinking
• being unemployed
• feeling overwhelmed


Ugh. Whatever.

basically, #sorrynotsorry

I felt like I needed to get this out on something a little more solid than just thoughts running through my head. Last week, I was called "basic" by someone I barely know, and for some reason it really got to me. Despite the fact that I don't care about this person or how they think about me, I couldn't help but obsess over what a misogynistic comment it was. More importantly, all that thinking lead to overthinking, overanalyzing and otherwise giving this way too much of my head space. Where I ended up, however, is here confronting the difficulty I have NOT caring what people think about me. To my credit, I have gotten admirably better than I was in previous years, but I still struggle with it. Therefore, this is a list I will continue to update about things I am not sorry about:

— liking all things pumpkin
— loving cats
— listening to Coheed & Cambria
— calling myself a feminist
— not going out every Friday/Saturday night
— reading for fun
— dying my hair crazy colors
— having tattoos (and getting more)
— not eating much meat/dabbling in veganism
— liking vegetables
— liking tofu
— not being sure if I'm deist, agnostic or atheist
— liking college football
— leaving work on time if I'm done
— taking adequate work breaks
— my sense of style
— not shaving my vag pornstar-pre-pubescent-bald (TMI? not sorry)
— wearing leggings as pants
— not liking babies
— being chubby
— having cellulite
— not liking avocado
— posting regularly on pinterest/tumblr/facebook/instagram
— hashtagging my posts for likes/interaction/follows
— requiring payment for freelance design
— being angry when I feel it
— being sad when I feel it
— liking true crime TV shows
— liking paranormal TV shows
— laughing at farts and butts and poop
— my past
— cursing
— wanting a promotion
— being white
— being a woman
— getting rid of toxic friends
— having ultimate goals that differ from getting married and having kids

What are you not sorry about? What are you tired of apologizing for, whether inward to yourself or outward to others? If I feasibly could, I would tattoo this list on me somewhere so I could read it everyday. It's going to be a real feat for me to stop caring what other people think, but I'll slowly get there, goddamnit.

friends? who?

I really probably shouldn't even blog about this.

The more I read updates from my "friends" in Mobile on twitter and facebook, the more depressed I get about not having any friends. And, yea, that's totally an overstatement. I do have friends, I do have people I can talk to and such, but it just kills me that people I once considered my friends don't even check in on me. Ever. And I'm always torn with the idea that... am I the one supposed to be calling/texting them? Letting them know I'm thinking about them? I just feel that it should be the other way around. Am I crazy? Is that self-centered? I really don't know anymore.

All I want is a text now-and-then saying, "Hey, X happened, it made me think of you." But instead I just barely got birthday wishes from these people. It's like I'm taking their updates personally. Like, I'm supposed to feel like I was never a vital part of any of those people's lives, and that their doing absolutely fine without me... like I was never there. Like, "look at us, we're having so much fun, we could give two shits if you left or if you ever came back."

I understand I don't live in Mobile anymore. BUT I ONLY LIVE 1 HOUR AWAY. I would be a lot more understanding if I'd moved to California or something. Why is it that no one cares? Not even enough for a little "hi" once in a while. Of course everything is going to keep going now that I've left. But things had already continued like I'd already left even before I knew I was leaving.

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to feel hurt by this? Am I supposed to ignore it, and when I see these people again, act happy to see them, like they actually missed me? Am I supposed to forget about them, make new friends, live my life like I never knew them? Am I supposed to be the one trying to salvage the friendship, since it seems that I'm the only one who cares?

God, I miss my "friends" so much...