I felt like I needed to get this out on something a little more solid than just thoughts running through my head. Last week, I was called "basic" by someone I barely know, and for some reason it really got to me. Despite the fact that I don't care about this person or how they think about me, I couldn't help but obsess over what a misogynistic comment it was. More importantly, all that thinking lead to overthinking, overanalyzing and otherwise giving this way too much of my head space. Where I ended up, however, is here confronting the difficulty I have NOT caring what people think about me. To my credit, I have gotten admirably better than I was in previous years, but I still struggle with it. Therefore, this is a list I will continue to update about things I am not sorry about:
— liking all things pumpkin
— loving cats
— listening to Coheed & Cambria
— calling myself a feminist
— not going out every Friday/Saturday night
— reading for fun
— dying my hair crazy colors
— having tattoos (and getting more)
— not eating much meat/dabbling in veganism
— liking vegetables
— liking tofu
— not being sure if I'm deist, agnostic or atheist
— liking college football
— leaving work on time if I'm done
— taking adequate work breaks
— my sense of style
— not shaving my vag pornstar-pre-pubescent-bald (TMI? not sorry)
— wearing leggings as pants
— not liking babies
— being chubby
— having cellulite
— not liking avocado
— posting regularly on pinterest/tumblr/facebook/instagram
— hashtagging my posts for likes/interaction/follows
— requiring payment for freelance design
— being angry when I feel it
— being sad when I feel it
— liking true crime TV shows
— liking paranormal TV shows
— laughing at farts and butts and poop
— my past
— cursing
— wanting a promotion
— being white
— being a woman
— getting rid of toxic friends
— having ultimate goals that differ from getting married and having kids
What are you not sorry about? What are you tired of apologizing for, whether inward to yourself or outward to others? If I feasibly could, I would tattoo this list on me somewhere so I could read it everyday. It's going to be a real feat for me to stop caring what other people think, but I'll slowly get there, goddamnit.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
choices
Trigger Warning: Depression.
I got into a discussion today with a coworker about happiness. My argument was that, for the most part, happiness is a choice. Since I personally still deal with depression, I know first-hand what it's like to be sad without any explanation. However, making the choice recently to be happy no matter my circumstance is something that is helping me immensely. Listening to the reasons my coworker had to feel sad and/or angry felt like I was arguing with a past version of myself. It made me appreciate even more how far I've come in just a few months of deciding to look at things from a different angle.
I told my coworker that while the reasons she had for feeling frustrated and fed up were definitely valid, they didn't have to take over her mental well-being. You can dwell on little things and drive yourself crazy, or you can appreciate the position you're in for all it's worth.
Most people have the tendency to maximize the negative when, honestly, it takes a lot more energy to stress and worry about things that we a) have no control over or b) aren't really a big deal anyway. It's difficult at first to practice actively letting things go and truly living in the present, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the better you feel.
Where ever you are in life right now, it's temporary. There's nothing wrong with being thankful and loving where you are right now, even if it's not where you want to be. I'm not advising that anyone should succumb to complacency; never give up chasing whatever it is you want in life, but enjoy the journey. You're alive and honestly that in and of itself is awesome.
Basically, instead of getting frustrated or angry over little bad things, use that energy to get excited and happy about little good things. I got excited at work today because they stocked the freezer with frozen goodies, including mini cups of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough, which I thoroughly enjoyed after my lunch. I also wanted so bad to complain about a frustrating and confusing job I worked on today, but instead I let it go. I did my job and let it go because doing anything else wouldn't have done any good.
I don't know if I got through to my coworker today; I doubt it, but making the choice to be happy can only be made by you. Keep in mind that there really is nothing stopping you from thinking positively as much as you'd like to think. And I promise, it really does make a difference in the quality of everyday life.
I got into a discussion today with a coworker about happiness. My argument was that, for the most part, happiness is a choice. Since I personally still deal with depression, I know first-hand what it's like to be sad without any explanation. However, making the choice recently to be happy no matter my circumstance is something that is helping me immensely. Listening to the reasons my coworker had to feel sad and/or angry felt like I was arguing with a past version of myself. It made me appreciate even more how far I've come in just a few months of deciding to look at things from a different angle.
I told my coworker that while the reasons she had for feeling frustrated and fed up were definitely valid, they didn't have to take over her mental well-being. You can dwell on little things and drive yourself crazy, or you can appreciate the position you're in for all it's worth.
Most people have the tendency to maximize the negative when, honestly, it takes a lot more energy to stress and worry about things that we a) have no control over or b) aren't really a big deal anyway. It's difficult at first to practice actively letting things go and truly living in the present, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the better you feel.
Where ever you are in life right now, it's temporary. There's nothing wrong with being thankful and loving where you are right now, even if it's not where you want to be. I'm not advising that anyone should succumb to complacency; never give up chasing whatever it is you want in life, but enjoy the journey. You're alive and honestly that in and of itself is awesome.
Basically, instead of getting frustrated or angry over little bad things, use that energy to get excited and happy about little good things. I got excited at work today because they stocked the freezer with frozen goodies, including mini cups of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough, which I thoroughly enjoyed after my lunch. I also wanted so bad to complain about a frustrating and confusing job I worked on today, but instead I let it go. I did my job and let it go because doing anything else wouldn't have done any good.
I don't know if I got through to my coworker today; I doubt it, but making the choice to be happy can only be made by you. Keep in mind that there really is nothing stopping you from thinking positively as much as you'd like to think. And I promise, it really does make a difference in the quality of everyday life.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
why don't you love me
I've been experiencing a lot of things since I quit using alcohol as a crutch. Most notably every emotion at a intensity I am only now (about 2 months in) beginning to adjust to. There's just one that seems to plague my consciousness at any given time of the day: love.
The thing about love is, you don't need it... but oh my god do we all want it so bad. I do have love, don't get me wrong. My family loves me, my friends love me and despite what she says, my cat loves me, too. But that kind of love is something that comes as a given. You don't have to hear it everyday to know it's there. So what is it about a romantic type of love that warrants so much proof?
Your family raised you; spent money on your upbringing: food, education, shelter. You know they love you. My parents tell me all the time they love me, but they don't have to. I know.
My friends are there for me when I'm freaking out about something stupid that I've made up in my head and they're there for me when I have a stupid tumblr post to share. They listen to me bitch about coworkers and love interests and frequent anxiety attacks and they don't have to. But they do because they love me and they don't have to tell me. I know.
So why is that not enough validation? Why do I feel this deep bottomless void in what I believe is an area of love? Why does romantic love fill a different space in my life that nothing else can fill? I mean, maybe I'm just horny but in all of my 27 years I've never considered myself to be that thirsty. I'm at a point in my life where, as a friend put it, my "clock is ticking." And while I iterated that kids are not priority of mine, he explained that getting married can count as a reason to feel that pressure.
And maybe it is the multitude of facebook marriages and babies that has me thinking about it all the time, but I don't think that's the sole catalyst.
It'll happen when it happens and I wish I could just chill out about it. I'm willing to wait as long as I have to if that means never having to get divorced. I really want to find my penguin and live happily ever after. Maybe to some that seems impossible these days, but my parents have been together for almost 40 years and that's what I want.
You can live without love. There is nothing wrong with being yourself by yourself. Not "alone" because you're not alone. It may feel that way because there's no one in your bed at night, but that's not what makes you lonely. Loneliness, I believe, is caused by being uncomfortable with yourself when there's no one else around to validate your existence. You exist and you're perfect. Everything else will fall into place.
The thing about love is, you don't need it... but oh my god do we all want it so bad. I do have love, don't get me wrong. My family loves me, my friends love me and despite what she says, my cat loves me, too. But that kind of love is something that comes as a given. You don't have to hear it everyday to know it's there. So what is it about a romantic type of love that warrants so much proof?
Your family raised you; spent money on your upbringing: food, education, shelter. You know they love you. My parents tell me all the time they love me, but they don't have to. I know.
My friends are there for me when I'm freaking out about something stupid that I've made up in my head and they're there for me when I have a stupid tumblr post to share. They listen to me bitch about coworkers and love interests and frequent anxiety attacks and they don't have to. But they do because they love me and they don't have to tell me. I know.
So why is that not enough validation? Why do I feel this deep bottomless void in what I believe is an area of love? Why does romantic love fill a different space in my life that nothing else can fill? I mean, maybe I'm just horny but in all of my 27 years I've never considered myself to be that thirsty. I'm at a point in my life where, as a friend put it, my "clock is ticking." And while I iterated that kids are not priority of mine, he explained that getting married can count as a reason to feel that pressure.
And maybe it is the multitude of facebook marriages and babies that has me thinking about it all the time, but I don't think that's the sole catalyst.
It'll happen when it happens and I wish I could just chill out about it. I'm willing to wait as long as I have to if that means never having to get divorced. I really want to find my penguin and live happily ever after. Maybe to some that seems impossible these days, but my parents have been together for almost 40 years and that's what I want.
You can live without love. There is nothing wrong with being yourself by yourself. Not "alone" because you're not alone. It may feel that way because there's no one in your bed at night, but that's not what makes you lonely. Loneliness, I believe, is caused by being uncomfortable with yourself when there's no one else around to validate your existence. You exist and you're perfect. Everything else will fall into place.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Agchk!
Ugh. I never seem to be able to finish anything! Well... that's not entirely true. I just never seem to finish things I want to do... I have no problem finishing things I have to do like work, chores, and school (I graduated, right?). I find it so odd that I would waste all of my energy into things that don't bring me a sense of pride and happiness. I think it's because I have such a strong desire to please others and not disappoint anyone I'm close to that I first make sure that's not going to happen and by the time I have the chance to do something for myself I figure "what's the use?" Doing chores pleases me in the end because I love having a clean living space. But that only lasts so long and I have nothing to show for it unless I have people over, which is NEVER. I'm not really happy in the place I currently live, but I'm taking the opportunity given to Ben and me by my parents to live in this house for very cheap while we figure things out. Beggars can't be choosers, right?
I just don't know how to go about choosing what I want to do for the rest of my life and then how to attain it. Or even to just do stuff and stop worrying about it. After I found out that Hyperpole and a Half was back, I went over and read her first post and it describes me to the T. If you battle with depression, or think you might have it, or know someone who's clinically depressed, read this post. I perfectly describes what someone goes through.
I just don't know how to go about choosing what I want to do for the rest of my life and then how to attain it. Or even to just do stuff and stop worrying about it. After I found out that Hyperpole and a Half was back, I went over and read her first post and it describes me to the T. If you battle with depression, or think you might have it, or know someone who's clinically depressed, read this post. I perfectly describes what someone goes through.
Sunday, May 05, 2013
new beginnings
I want to take this blog into a different direction. I still want to do outfit posts, but since I could use a therapeutic and creative outlet, I'm going to also focus on being healthier and happier. So I'm going to use this blog to document my path to happiness and contentment. Hopefully it can be a reminder of where I came from and the struggle it took to get there. I started a new approach to some things at the first of the month, so it would've been ideal to refresh my blog then, but 5 days in is still pretty good. I've made out some goals for May, but they really apply to my life from now on.
MAY GOALS:
1. lose 7 lbs (already down 1!)
2. buy no clothes (already failed that one!)
3. do more freelance
4. get serious about clean eating/meal plans/meal prep
5. be more responsible about daily chores
6. no eating out unless it's healthy (already failed that one too!)
7. gym 5 days/week (went 4 last week)
8. only pay for things with cash/debit, no credit (failed that too)
9. only clear alcohol/wine, sparingly
10. read The Great Gatsby again before seeing the movie
11. brush n' floss regularly! (failed so far)
12. bring lunch to work
13. get to bed by 11pm
14. plant my garden
15. keep track of bills
16. sell clothes & things on eBay
That's a pretty big list... but then again, some of those things are permanent changes I want to make. I also think I'll start blogging just about every day with a recap of what I ate, and how I felt... that should help keep me accountable. Starting with ugh... today I guess. I'm trying to hit about 1360 calories a day. I'm using My Fitness Pal to track my calorie intake, etc. and if you want to follow me my profile can be found here.
Breakfast — 338
Instant oatmeal with a tbsp of Bee's Knees Peanut Butter & Co. peanut butter, half a banana, and a cup of coffee with 6 tbsp of Silk soy creamer.
Lunch — 180
Muscle Milk peanut butter protein powder mixed with half a cup of Silk light soy milk and 3/4 cup of water
Dinner — 800
2 slices of leftover Papa John's pizza with onions, bell peppers, mushrooms and pepperoni and half an order of fries from Ruby Tuesday that my mom dropped off for me (I just can't say no to free french fries)
Total: 1318
Not bad for eating pizza AND french fries in one day... I might have a glass of wine later which would bring me up to 1418 but we'll see. I'm going to start including pictures/recipes of what I eat too.
Monday, January 02, 2012
2012: a fresh start
I took a few months off, regrettably, but I'm back now and I plan to keep this blog up for real this time! I've always loved blogging and journaling, and lately I've been neglecting it (and many other things I love) because I've been so upset, depressed, and stressed out because of work. I won't get into it here, because I'm tired of dwelling on negative things. I have to forced myself to think of really random things when going to sleep at night just so I CAN sleep. So anyway, I wanted to post yesterday, but I always wanted to do a little blog re-design for the new year, so I thought I'd wait until I was done to make my entry. Whatdya think? I'm loving it so far! It's cute and it makes me happy to look at, so I'd say "success!"
Since I've got a few more things I need to tackle before I get ready to go back to work tomorrow, I'll go ahead and list the obligatory New Year's Resolutions:
1. Force myself to do things that make me happy, regardless of how stressed/fatigued I am.
I've already started with making time to bake things, shoot some photos, and I'm even putting together some art to go in my very first show next Friday! Work has got me so stressed that I literally have no energy to do anything when I get home. Not to mention I'm being forced to stay late, even when there's no work to do. But anyway. I'm determined this year to make my life more about ME and the things I want to do, and not just pouring everything I am into work.
2. Lose 20lbs.
I know. It's on the list every year, but I'm hoping by forcing me to shift into making my happiness a priority, that I'll actually accomplish this goal in 2012. I tried really hard last year, the hardest I've tried in a while, but only managed to fluctuate the same 10lbs for the entire year. This year, I'm not dwelling on the past. I'm hitting the gym, training to run a 5k, and fueling my body with what it needs to accomplish this. I'm not counting calories or following any program. After counting calories all year and only ending up adding more stress to my life, I feel confident knowing that I can chose what to eat to meet my goals.
3. Blog 3 times a week.
Blogging has been a goal for a few years now, but I really feel like I'm ready to put my blog up there with the list of "Things That Make Me Happy." I love looking back after blogging a year or so just to see what I accomplished and to reminisce on fond memories.
4. Open an Etsy store. For real this time
I had an Etsy store about a year ago that sold my photographic prints, but after only one sale, I let it go my the wayside. I love photography, but I wasn't really passionate about making money from it. I have some ideas this time that I feel I can really get behind, and I'm hoping I'll be able to profit from it both mentally and monetarily. It'll either be selling crafts, or vintage clothing/accessories. We'll see!
5. Find a new job.
Yea. Like I said, I really don't want to get into it, because every time I vent about things on the interwebs, I get in trouble. Or so it seems. So to avoid that, I'm going to just leave that goal at that. Really though, I'm just ready to not live in the deep south anymore. So really, this goal could be "move out of the south." I wanna live somewhere where it snows!
What are you goals? Do you complete yours from 2011? I tried to find my 2011 resolutions... and I don't think I made any! Or, at least any that I wrote down. Oh well. Happy New Year, y'all!
Since I've got a few more things I need to tackle before I get ready to go back to work tomorrow, I'll go ahead and list the obligatory New Year's Resolutions:
1. Force myself to do things that make me happy, regardless of how stressed/fatigued I am.
I've already started with making time to bake things, shoot some photos, and I'm even putting together some art to go in my very first show next Friday! Work has got me so stressed that I literally have no energy to do anything when I get home. Not to mention I'm being forced to stay late, even when there's no work to do. But anyway. I'm determined this year to make my life more about ME and the things I want to do, and not just pouring everything I am into work.
2. Lose 20lbs.
I know. It's on the list every year, but I'm hoping by forcing me to shift into making my happiness a priority, that I'll actually accomplish this goal in 2012. I tried really hard last year, the hardest I've tried in a while, but only managed to fluctuate the same 10lbs for the entire year. This year, I'm not dwelling on the past. I'm hitting the gym, training to run a 5k, and fueling my body with what it needs to accomplish this. I'm not counting calories or following any program. After counting calories all year and only ending up adding more stress to my life, I feel confident knowing that I can chose what to eat to meet my goals.
3. Blog 3 times a week.
Blogging has been a goal for a few years now, but I really feel like I'm ready to put my blog up there with the list of "Things That Make Me Happy." I love looking back after blogging a year or so just to see what I accomplished and to reminisce on fond memories.
4. Open an Etsy store. For real this time
I had an Etsy store about a year ago that sold my photographic prints, but after only one sale, I let it go my the wayside. I love photography, but I wasn't really passionate about making money from it. I have some ideas this time that I feel I can really get behind, and I'm hoping I'll be able to profit from it both mentally and monetarily. It'll either be selling crafts, or vintage clothing/accessories. We'll see!
5. Find a new job.
Yea. Like I said, I really don't want to get into it, because every time I vent about things on the interwebs, I get in trouble. Or so it seems. So to avoid that, I'm going to just leave that goal at that. Really though, I'm just ready to not live in the deep south anymore. So really, this goal could be "move out of the south." I wanna live somewhere where it snows!
What are you goals? Do you complete yours from 2011? I tried to find my 2011 resolutions... and I don't think I made any! Or, at least any that I wrote down. Oh well. Happy New Year, y'all!
Friday, October 28, 2011
dreams // part two
This post is a continuation of this post: DREAMS // PART ONE
DREAM #2:
I'm in a park with a new pug I've just gotten. He's all black, and I've named him Spook (so naming my dog that whenever I get one, btw). I don't remember much else about the dream except that I'm walking around with Spook, showing him off to people in the park, and he keeps running wayyyy far away from me, still on his retractable lease. I keep calling him and as soon as a do, he comes running back to me. I woke up when we were about to leave the park.
DREAM #3:
I've either traveled or left the country for a few weeks, and I've just gotten back. I got a huge tattoo of a woman and a cherry blossom tree on my chest at some point during my travels. I'm at my parents' house who were keeping my cat, Fish, for me while I was away. However, for some reason, they decided to let a friend of mine take care of her instead. I call the friend, who tells me he lost her. Just lost her! I freaked out... no one knew where she was! I searched for hours but to no avail. My parents tried to consol me with a new car they'd gotten me while I was away, but as much as I wanted to be excited about a new car, I was just too distraught over my missing kitty. I woke up after my mom says goodbye to me, I get in my new car, and drive back home.
dog: To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. To see a black colored dog in your dream, symbolizes the shadow aspect of a friend. The dark side of someone close to you is being revealed and you are able to see through to their true intentions.
pets: To see a pet in your dream represents civilized instincts. You are keeping your temper in line. Alternatively, seeing a pet indicates a need for love and acceptance. Perhaps, you are lacking attention from others and are feeling neglected.
tattoo: To dream that you have tattoos represent your sense of individuality and the desire to stand out in a crowd. You want to be unique and different from everybody else, particularly if you do not have any tattoos in real life. Consider also what the tattoo is and what significance it has in your life. It may represent something that has left a lasting impression on you. Alternatively, to dream that you have a tattoo suggests that a waking situation or decision is having a much longer lasting effect that you had expected.
lose: To dream that you lose something, indicates that you may really have misplaced something that you had not realized yet. It may also be a signal for you to clean out and reorganize your life. Perhaps you are overwhelmed and distracted with the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life. Alternatively, losing something often coincides with a significant life change or waking issue. On a symbolic note, losing things in your dream suggests lost opportunities, past relationships or forgotten aspects of yourself. Your personal associations to the thing you lose will clue you into the emotional meaning and interpretation of your dream.
new: In general, dream of new things and new places correspond to what is new in your waking life. It refers to something that is different or unfamiliar.
I'm glad that seeing a dog could mean my good intentions and values will help me be successful in attaining any goals I've set for myself. However, I can't think of anyone close to me showing their true intentions or a dark side of some kind. Especially relating to the last dreams post, it's significant that, according to my reference, I'm keeping my temper under control... and I always seem to be searching for acceptance and feeling a lack of attention from most people, so that's nothing new... Along with the fact that I like to be an individual, and I have been thinking a lot about getting my first tattoo. However, I'm yet again getting inferences that changes are soon to come. And I definitely feel distracted from wanting to reorganize, clean, and re-prioritize by how much I have going on everyday.
Strange. Anyway, I have another dream, but I'll cover that one later.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
dreams // part one
I've been having a lot of strange, vivid dreams lately, so I thought I'd jot them all down before I forget. And since I'm weird about dreams and premonitions and superstitious things, I've been looking up the "meanings" behind what one dreams and trying to see how/if they apply to my waking life. I used this site as a reference... because that was the first result when I google'd "dream meanings" ... haha. I collected excerpts that coincided with my dream and/or applied to situations I'm currently dealing with.
DREAM #1:
Chris and I are driving (I'm driving my car that is) over the same bridge I drive over everyday to pretty much anywhere we need to go, especially to where I work and to the gym. The sun was setting fast, and as we began to drive over we saw two groups of Blue Angel-type jets flying in sync. As they criss-crossed through the sky, they began to drop fireworks, so I told Chris to grab my iPhone and start recording a video. He started recording, and shortly after, the groups of jets came barreling toward one another when they both collided, resulting in a huge explosion. We kept driving, Chris kept filming... shocked as shrapnel and fire engulfed the bridge and the water below. And then I woke up...
bridge: To dream that you are crossing a bridge signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one.
crash: To dream that a plane crashes, signifies that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. You are in danger of having those goals come crashing down. Alternatively, the crashing airplane represents your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt. You do not believe in your own ability to achieve those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.
explosion: To see explosions in your dream symbolize your repressed anger. The rage that you have been holding in has come to the surface in a forceful and violent manner. Your unconscious is trying to get your attention.
fire: Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing.
driving: To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals. Similarly, to dream that you are driving at night suggests that you are unsure of where you are headed in life. You are experiencing obstacles toward your goals. Perhaps you do not want to see what is ahead for you or you are afraid to confront certain issues. You may be feeling apprehensive about the future.
So, what I'm getting out of this dream is that I'm unhappy... angry even, at certain things happening in my life right now, and I've been ignoring and repressing those feelings for a while. Therefore, in order to change, I'm coming to a critical point in my life where I have some decisions to make and new goals to attain, even though I'm not sure where they will lead me or how I'll get there. However, the goals I'm setting for myself are high, indeed, but I don't think they're too high. I more agree with the idea that I'm apprehensive, unsure, and am having feelings of self-doubt and negativity towards my ability to achieve the goals I want to achieve. And this all totally makes sense. I'm unsatisfied with the way some of my life is going, and I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to change... and like huge change. I've already ordered some books for guidance, and hopefully they'll lead me in the direction I need to go!
This was such a long post! I'll post more dreams later, but I think this is good for now.
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