it's how you spin it

Even though I woke up this morning to Phil telling me that Fish had shit and pissed all over the floor instead of in her new toilet training litter box, today is going to be a good day. I've somehow managed to clean all of that up, take a shower, do some chores, and now I'm eating a totally awesome breakfast of oatmeal and coffee.

Phil leaves tomorrow but I'm in a much better place this week to handle it. I'm super sad, and even though I'm trying really hard not to, I will probably cry. It's only 3 weeks, and once I look back on this, I'll feel so silly for even worrying about it. I'm even beginning to feel that way now. I knew that dating a super cool dude in the navy would really suck sometimes... but he's just so awesome I'm willing to put up with it. Not to mention, 3 weeks is nothing. NOTHING. Just a wee little vacation almost.

Thing usually start to fall into perspective when I stop thinking so selfishly. Thousands or more people go without seeing their significant other due to work ALL THE TIME. I am totally not alone with what I'm feeling. Even the fact that I'm in a new city where I have no job or friends or family. There are so many people who deal with this and they are totally fine. And I'm going to be fine.

Put out into the universe positive thoughts and intentions, and it will return it ten fold. Just don't be afraid to take what the universe gives you: good or bad.

tired: again

I move through waves of depression and elation. I get motivated to try new things and work hard and then I feel a tug on my sleeve and there's a little demon next to me. He says: "Psst... Hey, you can't do that. Too many people are already successful at that. You aren't as good as they are. Go back to doing nothing, you don't have anything to lose then." And today I listened. And today I almost cried at Starbucks while trying to open an Etsy store. My second Etsy store, because the first one failed because I listened to the demon then, too. I kept trying to tell it to shut up... I am a good designer and a strong person and I have many a hardship currently and ahead of me too, but it doesn't mean I can't do this.

I'm totally unemployed except for some freelance work that is proving to be extremely unreliable when, at the beginning, seemed to be something I could count on for cash. Why leave the house?

I'm totally alone in a new city, 3000 miles away from my family and friends. My boyfriend is leaving in a week for a training exercise and he'll be gone for a month. Today it hit me how hard it will be while he's gone. For the past few days, I kept thinking about that month, knowing it would be hard but also knowing I could handle it. Today, the demon tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are utterly alone. You've never done this before. You can't handle this by yourself. Do you realize how long a MONTH is? 4 weeks! 33 days! You have to be ALONE for that long. At 4 when he's supposed to come home, he won't. You'll sleep ALONE in your bed. There will be NO ONE to kill spiders."

Today was a total failure on the mental health front.
I hope tomorrow will be better.

tired

I'm really tired of:

• starting things and not finishing them
• bouts of crippling self doubt
• anxiety
• overthinking
• being unemployed
• feeling overwhelmed


Ugh. Whatever.

basically, #sorrynotsorry

I felt like I needed to get this out on something a little more solid than just thoughts running through my head. Last week, I was called "basic" by someone I barely know, and for some reason it really got to me. Despite the fact that I don't care about this person or how they think about me, I couldn't help but obsess over what a misogynistic comment it was. More importantly, all that thinking lead to overthinking, overanalyzing and otherwise giving this way too much of my head space. Where I ended up, however, is here confronting the difficulty I have NOT caring what people think about me. To my credit, I have gotten admirably better than I was in previous years, but I still struggle with it. Therefore, this is a list I will continue to update about things I am not sorry about:

— liking all things pumpkin
— loving cats
— listening to Coheed & Cambria
— calling myself a feminist
— not going out every Friday/Saturday night
— reading for fun
— dying my hair crazy colors
— having tattoos (and getting more)
— not eating much meat/dabbling in veganism
— liking vegetables
— liking tofu
— not being sure if I'm deist, agnostic or atheist
— liking college football
— leaving work on time if I'm done
— taking adequate work breaks
— my sense of style
— not shaving my vag pornstar-pre-pubescent-bald (TMI? not sorry)
— wearing leggings as pants
— not liking babies
— being chubby
— having cellulite
— not liking avocado
— posting regularly on pinterest/tumblr/facebook/instagram
— hashtagging my posts for likes/interaction/follows
— requiring payment for freelance design
— being angry when I feel it
— being sad when I feel it
— liking true crime TV shows
— liking paranormal TV shows
— laughing at farts and butts and poop
— my past
— cursing
— wanting a promotion
— being white
— being a woman
— getting rid of toxic friends
— having ultimate goals that differ from getting married and having kids

What are you not sorry about? What are you tired of apologizing for, whether inward to yourself or outward to others? If I feasibly could, I would tattoo this list on me somewhere so I could read it everyday. It's going to be a real feat for me to stop caring what other people think, but I'll slowly get there, goddamnit.

choices

Trigger Warning: Depression.

I got into a discussion today with a coworker about happiness. My argument was that, for the most part, happiness is a choice. Since I personally still deal with depression, I know first-hand what it's like to be sad without any explanation. However, making the choice recently to be happy no matter my circumstance is something that is helping me immensely. Listening to the reasons my coworker had to feel sad and/or angry felt like I was arguing with a past version of myself. It made me appreciate even more how far I've come in just a few months of deciding to look at things from a different angle.

I told my coworker that while the reasons she had for feeling frustrated and fed up were definitely valid, they didn't have to take over her mental well-being. You can dwell on little things and drive yourself crazy, or you can appreciate the position you're in for all it's worth.

Most people have the tendency to maximize the negative when, honestly, it takes a lot more energy to stress and worry about things that we a) have no control over or b) aren't really a big deal anyway. It's difficult at first to practice actively letting things go and truly living in the present, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the better you feel.

Where ever you are in life right now, it's temporary. There's nothing wrong with being thankful and loving where you are right now, even if it's not where you want to be. I'm not advising that anyone should succumb to complacency; never give up chasing whatever it is you want in life, but enjoy the journey. You're alive and honestly that in and of itself is awesome.

Basically, instead of getting frustrated or angry over little bad things, use that energy to get excited and happy about little good things. I got excited at work today because they stocked the freezer with frozen goodies, including mini cups of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough, which I thoroughly enjoyed after my lunch. I also wanted so bad to complain about a frustrating and confusing job I worked on today, but instead I let it go. I did my job and let it go because doing anything else wouldn't have done any good.

I don't know if I got through to my coworker today; I doubt it, but making the choice to be happy can only be made by you. Keep in mind that there really is nothing stopping you from thinking positively as much as you'd like to think. And I promise, it really does make a difference in the quality of everyday life.