Sunday, September 28, 2014

basically, #sorrynotsorry

I felt like I needed to get this out on something a little more solid than just thoughts running through my head. Last week, I was called "basic" by someone I barely know, and for some reason it really got to me. Despite the fact that I don't care about this person or how they think about me, I couldn't help but obsess over what a misogynistic comment it was. More importantly, all that thinking lead to overthinking, overanalyzing and otherwise giving this way too much of my head space. Where I ended up, however, is here confronting the difficulty I have NOT caring what people think about me. To my credit, I have gotten admirably better than I was in previous years, but I still struggle with it. Therefore, this is a list I will continue to update about things I am not sorry about:

— liking all things pumpkin
— loving cats
— listening to Coheed & Cambria
— calling myself a feminist
— not going out every Friday/Saturday night
— reading for fun
— dying my hair crazy colors
— having tattoos (and getting more)
— not eating much meat/dabbling in veganism
— liking vegetables
— liking tofu
— not being sure if I'm deist, agnostic or atheist
— liking college football
— leaving work on time if I'm done
— taking adequate work breaks
— my sense of style
— not shaving my vag pornstar-pre-pubescent-bald (TMI? not sorry)
— wearing leggings as pants
— not liking babies
— being chubby
— having cellulite
— not liking avocado
— posting regularly on pinterest/tumblr/facebook/instagram
— hashtagging my posts for likes/interaction/follows
— requiring payment for freelance design
— being angry when I feel it
— being sad when I feel it
— liking true crime TV shows
— liking paranormal TV shows
— laughing at farts and butts and poop
— my past
— cursing
— wanting a promotion
— being white
— being a woman
— getting rid of toxic friends
— having ultimate goals that differ from getting married and having kids

What are you not sorry about? What are you tired of apologizing for, whether inward to yourself or outward to others? If I feasibly could, I would tattoo this list on me somewhere so I could read it everyday. It's going to be a real feat for me to stop caring what other people think, but I'll slowly get there, goddamnit.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


Trigger Warning: Depression.

I got into a discussion today with a coworker about happiness. My argument was that, for the most part, happiness is a choice. Since I personally still deal with depression, I know first-hand what it's like to be sad without any explanation. However, making the choice recently to be happy no matter my circumstance is something that is helping me immensely. Listening to the reasons my coworker had to feel sad and/or angry felt like I was arguing with a past version of myself. It made me appreciate even more how far I've come in just a few months of deciding to look at things from a different angle.

I told my coworker that while the reasons she had for feeling frustrated and fed up were definitely valid, they didn't have to take over her mental well-being. You can dwell on little things and drive yourself crazy, or you can appreciate the position you're in for all it's worth.

Most people have the tendency to maximize the negative when, honestly, it takes a lot more energy to stress and worry about things that we a) have no control over or b) aren't really a big deal anyway. It's difficult at first to practice actively letting things go and truly living in the present, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the better you feel.

Where ever you are in life right now, it's temporary. There's nothing wrong with being thankful and loving where you are right now, even if it's not where you want to be. I'm not advising that anyone should succumb to complacency; never give up chasing whatever it is you want in life, but enjoy the journey. You're alive and honestly that in and of itself is awesome.

Basically, instead of getting frustrated or angry over little bad things, use that energy to get excited and happy about little good things. I got excited at work today because they stocked the freezer with frozen goodies, including mini cups of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough, which I thoroughly enjoyed after my lunch. I also wanted so bad to complain about a frustrating and confusing job I worked on today, but instead I let it go. I did my job and let it go because doing anything else wouldn't have done any good.

I don't know if I got through to my coworker today; I doubt it, but making the choice to be happy can only be made by you. Keep in mind that there really is nothing stopping you from thinking positively as much as you'd like to think. And I promise, it really does make a difference in the quality of everyday life.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

why don't you love me

I've been experiencing a lot of things since I quit using alcohol as a crutch. Most notably every emotion at a intensity I am only now (about 2 months in) beginning to adjust to. There's just one that seems to plague my consciousness at any given time of the day: love.

The thing about love is, you don't need it... but oh my god do we all want it so bad. I do have love, don't get me wrong. My family loves me, my friends love me and despite what she says, my cat loves me, too. But that kind of love is something that comes as a given. You don't have to hear it everyday to know it's there. So what is it about a romantic type of love that warrants so much proof?

Your family raised you; spent money on your upbringing: food, education, shelter. You know they love you. My parents tell me all the time they love me, but they don't have to. I know.

My friends are there for me when I'm freaking out about something stupid that I've made up in my head and they're there for me when I have a stupid tumblr post to share. They listen to me bitch about coworkers and love interests and frequent anxiety attacks and they don't have to. But they do because they love me and they don't have to tell me. I know.

So why is that not enough validation? Why do I feel this deep bottomless void in what I believe is an area of love? Why does romantic love fill a different space in my life that nothing else can fill? I mean, maybe I'm just horny but in all of my 27 years I've never considered myself to be that thirsty. I'm at a point in my life where, as a friend put it, my "clock is ticking." And while I iterated that kids are not priority of mine, he explained that getting married can count as a reason to feel that pressure.

And maybe it is the multitude of facebook marriages and babies that has me thinking about it all the time, but I don't think that's the sole catalyst.

It'll happen when it happens and I wish I could just chill out about it. I'm willing to wait as long as I have to if that means never having to get divorced. I really want to find my penguin and live happily ever after. Maybe to some that seems impossible these days, but my parents have been together for almost 40 years and that's what I want.

You can live without love. There is nothing wrong with being yourself by yourself. Not "alone" because you're not alone. It may feel that way because there's no one in your bed at night, but that's not what makes you lonely. Loneliness, I believe, is caused by being uncomfortable with yourself when there's no one else around to validate your existence. You exist and you're perfect. Everything else will fall into place.

allow me to reintroduce myself

I deleted my posts from 2013 not because of embarrassment or a desire to forget that particular year (though it was a bad one), but because I was starting to go in a direction that I no longer wanted for this, my little corner of the internet. So with that being said, hello 2014.