Tuesday, July 14, 2015

it's how you spin it

Even though I woke up this morning to Phil telling me that Fish had shit and pissed all over the floor instead of in her new toilet training litter box, today is going to be a good day. I've somehow managed to clean all of that up, take a shower, do some chores, and now I'm eating a totally awesome breakfast of oatmeal and coffee.

Phil leaves tomorrow but I'm in a much better place this week to handle it. I'm super sad, and even though I'm trying really hard not to, I will probably cry. It's only 3 weeks, and once I look back on this, I'll feel so silly for even worrying about it. I'm even beginning to feel that way now. I knew that dating a super cool dude in the navy would really suck sometimes... but he's just so awesome I'm willing to put up with it. Not to mention, 3 weeks is nothing. NOTHING. Just a wee little vacation almost.

Thing usually start to fall into perspective when I stop thinking so selfishly. Thousands or more people go without seeing their significant other due to work ALL THE TIME. I am totally not alone with what I'm feeling. Even the fact that I'm in a new city where I have no job or friends or family. There are so many people who deal with this and they are totally fine. And I'm going to be fine.

Put out into the universe positive thoughts and intentions, and it will return it ten fold. Just don't be afraid to take what the universe gives you: good or bad.

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

tired: again

I move through waves of depression and elation. I get motivated to try new things and work hard and then I feel a tug on my sleeve and there's a little demon next to me. He says: "Psst... Hey, you can't do that. Too many people are already successful at that. You aren't as good as they are. Go back to doing nothing, you don't have anything to lose then." And today I listened. And today I almost cried at Starbucks while trying to open an Etsy store. My second Etsy store, because the first one failed because I listened to the demon then, too. I kept trying to tell it to shut up... I am a good designer and a strong person and I have many a hardship currently and ahead of me too, but it doesn't mean I can't do this.

I'm totally unemployed except for some freelance work that is proving to be extremely unreliable when, at the beginning, seemed to be something I could count on for cash. Why leave the house?

I'm totally alone in a new city, 3000 miles away from my family and friends. My boyfriend is leaving in a week for a training exercise and he'll be gone for a month. Today it hit me how hard it will be while he's gone. For the past few days, I kept thinking about that month, knowing it would be hard but also knowing I could handle it. Today, the demon tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are utterly alone. You've never done this before. You can't handle this by yourself. Do you realize how long a MONTH is? 4 weeks! 33 days! You have to be ALONE for that long. At 4 when he's supposed to come home, he won't. You'll sleep ALONE in your bed. There will be NO ONE to kill spiders."

Today was a total failure on the mental health front.
I hope tomorrow will be better.


I'm really tired of:

• starting things and not finishing them
• bouts of crippling self doubt
• anxiety
• overthinking
• being unemployed
• feeling overwhelmed

Ugh. Whatever.