Tuesday, May 20, 2014

why don't you love me

I've been experiencing a lot of things since I quit using alcohol as a crutch. Most notably every emotion at a intensity I am only now (about 2 months in) beginning to adjust to. There's just one that seems to plague my consciousness at any given time of the day: love.

The thing about love is, you don't need it... but oh my god do we all want it so bad. I do have love, don't get me wrong. My family loves me, my friends love me and despite what she says, my cat loves me, too. But that kind of love is something that comes as a given. You don't have to hear it everyday to know it's there. So what is it about a romantic type of love that warrants so much proof?

Your family raised you; spent money on your upbringing: food, education, shelter. You know they love you. My parents tell me all the time they love me, but they don't have to. I know.

My friends are there for me when I'm freaking out about something stupid that I've made up in my head and they're there for me when I have a stupid tumblr post to share. They listen to me bitch about coworkers and love interests and frequent anxiety attacks and they don't have to. But they do because they love me and they don't have to tell me. I know.

So why is that not enough validation? Why do I feel this deep bottomless void in what I believe is an area of love? Why does romantic love fill a different space in my life that nothing else can fill? I mean, maybe I'm just horny but in all of my 27 years I've never considered myself to be that thirsty. I'm at a point in my life where, as a friend put it, my "clock is ticking." And while I iterated that kids are not priority of mine, he explained that getting married can count as a reason to feel that pressure.

And maybe it is the multitude of facebook marriages and babies that has me thinking about it all the time, but I don't think that's the sole catalyst.

It'll happen when it happens and I wish I could just chill out about it. I'm willing to wait as long as I have to if that means never having to get divorced. I really want to find my penguin and live happily ever after. Maybe to some that seems impossible these days, but my parents have been together for almost 40 years and that's what I want.

You can live without love. There is nothing wrong with being yourself by yourself. Not "alone" because you're not alone. It may feel that way because there's no one in your bed at night, but that's not what makes you lonely. Loneliness, I believe, is caused by being uncomfortable with yourself when there's no one else around to validate your existence. You exist and you're perfect. Everything else will fall into place.