Monday, May 13, 2013


Ugh. I never seem to be able to finish anything! Well... that's not entirely true. I just never seem to finish things I want to do... I have no problem finishing things I have to do like work, chores, and school (I graduated, right?). I find it so odd that I would waste all of my energy into things that don't bring me a sense of pride and happiness. I think it's because I have such a strong desire to please others and not disappoint anyone I'm close to that I first make sure that's not going to happen and by the time I have the chance to do something for myself I figure "what's the use?" Doing chores pleases me in the end because I love having a clean living space. But that only lasts so long and I have nothing to show for it unless I have people over, which is NEVER. I'm not really happy in the place I currently live, but I'm taking the opportunity given to Ben and me by my parents to live in this house for very cheap while we figure things out. Beggars can't be choosers, right?

I just don't know how to go about choosing what I want to do for the rest of my life and then how to attain it. Or even to just do stuff and stop worrying about it. After I found out that Hyperpole and a Half was back, I went over and read her first post and it describes me to the T. If you battle with depression, or think you might have it, or know someone who's clinically depressed, read this post. I perfectly describes what someone goes through.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

new approach

Already? It's only a week into this "new" plan and it's already failing. We did go to the gym last night which was good, and I stayed in my calorie limit, which is good... but today I was faced with my ultimate challenge: eating out... I didn't fail per say, but I did let the event spark a downward spiral into failing. I ordered a veggie thin crust pizza at the place we went to eat, only had 3 slices and a glass of water... even resisted the urge to spring for a cupcake at my favorite cupcake place in Ocean Springs while we were there. But then, we got home, I had 2 more slices of pizza, then went to a coffee shop to meet someone for a craigslist trade where I drank a medium iced vanilla hazelnut soy latte, and then I brought up the idea to go see Iron Man 3... where I basically ate an entire bag of popcorn, with butter, and my share of a large Dr. Pepper. I also just finished 2 more slices of pizza! Agchk!

So here's the deal: I'm really tired of failing. I need something that can work for me in such a way that I can incorporate it into my daily schedule. I can't count calories my entire life. I've been researching and getting inspired by clean eating, which is the easiest of all "diets" because it's not a diet... it's what we're naturally supposed to be eating. No processed junk, mostly home-cooked meals, and little splurges here and there (natural onces, of course). I love cooking so there's that. And I'm already used to not eating most processed junk; I pop my own popcorn, sodas (diet or not) are a rare treat, I scrutinize labels, and I've never really been into packaged chips and the like.

I feel like if I could just get a routine down I'd be good to go. We went to the gym last night and that worked out just fine... I felt better knowing I had no obligations once we finished (having to make sure I'm home in time to eat, shower, and dress before work gives me an anxiety that reflects in my workouts). I did have a little trouble falling asleep, but with my schedule, sleeping-in isn't an issue. We're obviously not going tonight since it's 10:45 and Ben's deep into an online game with his brother and I'm here typing this still in a movie-hangover (you ever have that? Where you just sat through a 2 hour movie and you're still stuck feeling like Robert Downey Jr. really is out there saving the world as Iron Man?).

I want to eat clean. I want to stop counting calories. I want to break this cycle.
But I think I'm afraid of success... Which is like the stupidest thing to be afraid of.

Sunday, May 05, 2013

new beginnings


I want to take this blog into a different direction. I still want to do outfit posts, but since I could use a therapeutic and creative outlet, I'm going to also focus on being healthier and happier. So I'm going to use this blog to document my path to happiness and contentment. Hopefully it can be a reminder of where I came from and the struggle it took to get there. I started a new approach to some things at the first of the month, so it would've been ideal to refresh my blog then, but 5 days in is still pretty good. I've made out some goals for May, but they really apply to my life from now on.

1. lose 7 lbs (already down 1!)
2. buy no clothes (already failed that one!)
3. do more freelance
4. get serious about clean eating/meal plans/meal prep
5. be more responsible about daily chores
6. no eating out unless it's healthy (already failed that one too!)
7. gym 5 days/week (went 4 last week)
8. only pay for things with cash/debit, no credit (failed that too)
9. only clear alcohol/wine, sparingly
10. read The Great Gatsby again before seeing the movie
11. brush n' floss regularly! (failed so far)
12. bring lunch to work
13. get to bed by 11pm
14. plant my garden
15. keep track of bills
16. sell clothes & things on eBay

That's a pretty big list... but then again, some of those things are permanent changes I want to make. I also think I'll start blogging just about every day with a recap of what I ate, and how I felt... that should help keep me accountable. Starting with ugh... today I guess. I'm trying to hit about 1360 calories a day. I'm using My Fitness Pal to track my calorie intake, etc. and if you want to follow me my profile can be found here.

Breakfast — 338
Instant oatmeal with a tbsp of Bee's Knees Peanut Butter & Co. peanut butter, half a banana, and a cup of coffee with 6 tbsp of Silk soy creamer.

Lunch — 180
Muscle Milk peanut butter protein powder mixed with half a cup of Silk light soy milk and 3/4 cup of water

Dinner — 800
2 slices of leftover Papa John's pizza with onions, bell peppers, mushrooms and pepperoni and half an order of fries from Ruby Tuesday that my mom dropped off for me (I just can't say no to free french fries)

Total: 1318

Not bad for eating pizza AND french fries in one day... I might have a glass of wine later which would bring me up to 1418 but we'll see. I'm going to start including pictures/recipes of what I eat too.