Wednesday, July 08, 2015

tired: again

I move through waves of depression and elation. I get motivated to try new things and work hard and then I feel a tug on my sleeve and there's a little demon next to me. He says: "Psst... Hey, you can't do that. Too many people are already successful at that. You aren't as good as they are. Go back to doing nothing, you don't have anything to lose then." And today I listened. And today I almost cried at Starbucks while trying to open an Etsy store. My second Etsy store, because the first one failed because I listened to the demon then, too. I kept trying to tell it to shut up... I am a good designer and a strong person and I have many a hardship currently and ahead of me too, but it doesn't mean I can't do this.

I'm totally unemployed except for some freelance work that is proving to be extremely unreliable when, at the beginning, seemed to be something I could count on for cash. Why leave the house?

I'm totally alone in a new city, 3000 miles away from my family and friends. My boyfriend is leaving in a week for a training exercise and he'll be gone for a month. Today it hit me how hard it will be while he's gone. For the past few days, I kept thinking about that month, knowing it would be hard but also knowing I could handle it. Today, the demon tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are utterly alone. You've never done this before. You can't handle this by yourself. Do you realize how long a MONTH is? 4 weeks! 33 days! You have to be ALONE for that long. At 4 when he's supposed to come home, he won't. You'll sleep ALONE in your bed. There will be NO ONE to kill spiders."

Today was a total failure on the mental health front.
I hope tomorrow will be better.