friendship

A year ago, I had a friend named... let's call her M. We met at a job and when she first started working shifts with me, I really didn't like her... but the more we talked the more we got along and we eventually became good friends. When I broke up with my last boyfriend of 3 years, I really didn't have anyone to hang out with anymore so I filled the void with her. We had a lot of fun together, especially going out, drinking, dancing and partying.

I was having problems with a roommate at the time (though now we great friends) and asked if she wanted to move into the spare bedroom and so she did. I knew that asking her to move in was basically asking for a friendship death sentence, but I felt so alone in the house with the other roommate being gone all the time and now being boyfriend-less. I thought that maybe things would be different and that maybe we wouldn't end up hating each other and for a good 6-8 months, that seemed like the case. However, I gradually started noticing that she was changing. She started dressing more like me, becoming interested in the things I liked... suddenly my favorite band was her favorite band, and my drink of choice was her drink of choice. I found this incredibly annoying... probably more than most people would, but I knew I was being stupid and just tried to let it go (which was, of course, a bad idea).

The biggest problem came when she started liking the same type of guys that I was interested in. And being basically a polar opposite of me (athletic, sporty, confrontational, negative, super skinny...) those type of guys were more interested in me than in her. We were both at fault for what happened when guys came into the picture. I have always had self esteem issues, not much attention from boys and had just broken up with a boyfriend, so the attention I was getting from guys was really hard to ignore. She would get upset when a guy in a bar, or at a party, would start hitting on me after M told me she thought he was cute... and most of the time, I shared the same feelings toward a guy... I just didn't vocalize them first.

I know it's always supposed to be "bros before hoes" but I couldn't help myself. For the first time, guys were buying ME drinks, hitting on ME, calling ME, texting ME... I was on cloud nine. And so the way I saw it, M was jealous and trying to ruin my new found excitement. There was one boy in particular that was the worst of them all... and I KNOW I should've let him go, but I couldn't help it. We had so much in common, he liked me, I liked him... and she would flip back and forth, telling me "it's okay, I don't care" and "how can you do this to me?" I think the biggest problem was that M and this guy dated a bit first before she introduced him to me. And being a guy who was my type (and her type ever since she moved in with me) I gravitated towards him, and he to me.

That incidence opened a whole case of worms. We fought all the time about every little thing that wasn't brought up sooner. We would make up, and then fight again. And then there was finally a moment when I thought we'd worked everything out. She had a boyfriend, I had a boyfriend (Chris) and so the boy-jealousy didn't exist. But living with someone really takes a toll on a friendship. Especially when you do everything together. I was simply getting tired of her. I just wanted some space, to hangout with other people, do other things, but she took it so personally.

Last summer, I was at a job I hated. I was clinically depressed, I found out. I would go to work, come home, workout, eat dinner, and just want to lay in my bed and watch Law & Order reruns... but she wanted to go out, she wanted me to hang out and watch TV with her in the living room. I just wanted to sulk, alone in my room and at the time, I didn't know I was depressed. I couldn't tell her that was what my deal was, not that I didn't want to hang out with her. Although I did tell her that, she didn't believe me. I gave up trying to convince her that all I wanted to do was lay in bed.

She moved out to save money for a study abroad course and still wouldn't give me space. Texting me all the time, getting upset because I still didn't want to go out, and it still had nothing to do with her. I didn't go to her going-away party before she left the country for 3 months. She attempted facebook contact while abroad and I was cold to her. It wasn't until a month after she left that I went to the doctor and she suggested I take anti-depressants. Suddenly everything made sense. I didn't hate my life, or M, I was just down in the dumps.

I thought constantly about making up and being friends again, telling her I was sorry and that I now had proof that it wasn't her, it was me... but I always ended up talking myself out of it. It wasn't worth it.

She came back to the states and so I reached out to her. I found some things of hers while packing my things to move and let her know. She came by soon after to pick them up, and I thought about spilling my guts and telling her how I felt... but the situation never lent itself to that and we instead chatted about her trip, I told her about my new job, that I was moving. I thought maybe it could be the beginning of a mending of our friendship.

Later that same week was my birthday. To my surprise, she texted me in the morning, before any of my other friends, to wish me a happy birthday and I cheerfully thanked her. I thought to myself that surely we were on the way to being friends again. That night, I texted her, asking her to come hang out with me at I party I was trying to get together last minute. Nothing fancy, just meeting for drinks somewhere. I got no response. I know she's the kind of person who always has her cell phone, always reads texts, and yet I got no response. Not even a "can't, I'm busy doing X."

I decided then and there that I didn't care anymore. She knows how much birthdays mean to me. She knows how much it would hurt me to not respond. She basically pulled a "me."

Her birthday came about a week later... and I never said anything to her. I was still miffed.

But ever since then, I always think I should call her, get together, tell her everything and be friends again... but I feel like I hurt her too much, or that she doesn't care anymore and that even if I did, I'd still feel like we weren't friends again. I don't know if it's worth it. We now live an hour away... our lives have changed a bit. I don't know. I just don't know.

I've told myself that if I see her when I visit Mobile (since we still hangout with the same people) I'm going to pull her aside, and spill. But I'm not going to make the effort to call her and make sure I see her, make sure I can tell her. I'm leaving it up to chance. I feel like things happen for a reason, and if we see each other, I'll tell her, and if not, I'll take it as a sign from God that we'll no longer be friends.